introvert (English version)

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For a lot of you the following text will describe an everyday situation but for just as many it will be a totally new experience.

oh god oh god oh god okay keep calm you have to concentrate now. easiest thing in the world millions of people do this every day you can do it you can do it you can do it. deep breaths that’s what everyone always says deep breaths that’s calming so come on iiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and oooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttt iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and ooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttt iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and ooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttt… FUCKING HELL NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA why why why why ?????????? get your shit together and stop repeating yourself all the time that’s not helping anyone ! jesus WHY IS THIS SO HARD why is it so hard for me to do something this stupidely easy it shouldn’t be hard for me it isn’t hard for anyone or at least everyone always says that it isn’t hard for anyone maybe they lie like I lie when I say “of course I can do that” I CANNOT FUCKING DO IT maybe the everyone else also has a ritual to write little notes with every possible way the conversation could go and appropriate answers for me in 5 different languages because in this country you never know in which language you’ll be greeted just to fight your fucking anxiety for minutes or sometimes even hours because you panic over what to do when you’re aksed something you haven’t prepared for WHY DO I THINK ABOUT THIS SO MUCH my hands are shaking. great perfect of course now MY FUCKING HANDS ARE SHAKING ASWELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME no no no I don’t want to do this I can’t do this why do I have to do this why can’t I just send an e-mail because I can do that in an e-mail I have time to choose my words and I don’t have to talk I only have to read and write although I already know that I’ll be nervous as soon as the answer arrives and that I won’t open it for days because I’ll fear that I had done something wrong or that I’d forgotten something WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME NERVOUS but it is after all meaningless I can’t write an e-mail no it has to be this of course it has to be this it always has to be this… okay okay okay let’s try that deep breaths thing again come on already iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and ooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttt iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and ooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttttttt iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and oooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttt……….. hey I really feel a little better ! perfect now let’s go my cheat slips are ready I only have to… dammit my hands are shaking again NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP IT ALREADY AND LEAVE ME ALONE WHY JUST WHY ah it is completely useless anyway I know that it is useless and still here I am worrying endlessely and hating me afterwards for doing exactly that because I feel so weak so stupid because I can’t even do something as simple as this WHY AM I THIS WAY but I have to do it this is important and that’s the only reason why I’m doing it because I have to because they can’t just leave me alone so get your shit together GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHERI did it

oh god no my heart is about to jump out of my ribcage I know it I just know that I will die of a fucking heart attack one day because of this bullshit I know it keep calm come on deep breaths deep breaths you have to calm down otherwise it will be even harder on yourself just imagine what the man or the woman or whatever you are being conncted with will think about you… –

“Bonjour, comment est-ce que je peux vous aider?”


Copyright 2017 Tom Weber

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