A simple and efficient solution (Satire)


The following text was created as part of an exercise in satirical writing during my English class. The text is NOT to be taken seriously. I DO NOT support any ideas of the extreme right political scene. I DO NOT mean what I say in the text (which is kind of the point of satire). If you desire to copy this text this introduction HAS to be copied with the text and HAS to be shown before the actual text.
The text is inspired by Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” from 1729.

A simple and efficient solution to the immigration question

One of the biggest and nastiest problems the modern European is confronted with these days is the excessive amount of asylum-seekers flooding in our honorable countries from the Middle-East. It is such an unpleasant situation that a lot of humble citizens already walked the streets to express their well-founded displeasure against this incredible violation of our culture.

To finally give these righteous people what they deserve I spend a lot of time thinking about the problem while also taking into account the already existing research of some of the leading experts on the problem. After a deep analysis of all the data I came up with an actually quite simple solution that will eliminate the immigration problem while preserving our own humble culture at the same time.

To demonstrate my plan I will take Germany as an example because it is here where the problem is nearly unbearable for the population. Despite the media and the government spreading false information about a low percentage of foreigners in Germany a small group of highly intellectual people named PEGIDA sees the truth. After I completed my own calculations, I came to the shocking result that the German population is composed of at least 49 % foreigners. This number shows just how endangered the German culture is and therefore I want to save it from extinction with this efficient and straight forward plan:

The first problem to solve is to find a way to reduce the number of asylum-seekers. While Germany already had a pretty efficient way of dealing with an unwanted group of people I found it to be an unnecessary expense to invest money in the rebuilding of the old facilities. A way easier solution would be to just use the already existing shelters for the asylum-seekers and put giant Muhammad caricatures on them. By doing this radical Islamists will break into the shelters and take care of the problem. When they are done the police who will be waiting for them outside can then take care of the Islamists. By repeating this the first problem will be solved very quickly, but of course it doesn’t end here. With the situation now being taken care of, you will now have a quite large supply of “human resources” which would truly be a shame to be wasted. While doing my research on the problem I had the great luck to find a man who may not be an expert himself, but who could tell me about a true expert on the problem. The man I talked to was in his childhood befriended to Heinrich Himmler’s son and used to go play over at Mr. Himmler’s house. He told me that while there he once went into a room where all the furniture was made out of human bones. He ensured me that this furniture was of superb if not extraordinary quality. I therefore suggest to use the bones of the human resources to build furniture that way we could also save the lives of a lot of animals like elephants for example since there wouldn’t be a need anymore to brutally murder those innocent animals for their ivory. While thinking about it, I assume human skin would also make a great replacement for paper thereby reducing deforestation.

As you can see the plan I propose is simple, cheap and solves some of today’s biggest problems. To recapitulate:
Reduced number of immigrants, free resources for german carpenters, reduced deforestation due to increased use of human skin and reduced number of killed elephants. I would highly recommend a discussion of this plan in all European governments to put it into action as soon as possible.

Copyright 2015 Vito Volpe


Thanks a lot for reading this week’s post! I really appreciate every single reader and if you’re interested you can read some of my other articles as well. If you want you can share my posts with others I’d really appreciate it. You can also find me on Facebook as well as Twitter (@VitoVolpe9). I hope you have a great week and I see you next Sunday for an all new post in German or in two weeks for a new post in English!

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