As summer slowly fades into autumn and my final cycle is about to begin, I find myself drawn into a familiar inner silence.
Tomorrow I will return to the hospital for the third and (in all likelihood) final time. It is rather pleasing that Day 1 of Cycle 3 coincides with 1 September.
I’ve been fortunate in many aspects during this chemotherapy. Obviously, it has been the greatest blessing that I barely experienced any side effects, meaning I could take full advantage of the rest weeks at home.
But I’ve also been thinking that I was lucky to do this chemo in summer. Of course, it would have been nicer to indulge in too much food and drink under the Mediterranean sun. But if you have to do chemo, summer feels like the more pleasant season to me.
It’s bright outside, both early in the morning when I arrive at the hospital, and in the evening when I am discharged. You can get away with wearing light clothing because it’s warm. When I was at home, I was able to sit outside on my balcony surrounded by myriad flowers and plants. I was able to offer some of my visitors homemade iced tea.
Winter would have been quite a different story.
Now, I do have to out myself as a winter lover here. Winter has always been my favourite season. For as long as I can remember, I have felt drawn to its introspection and closeness to death. But as may be obvious, it would require a particularly strong mental focus to face something like chemo in such an environment.
To quote my favourite song of all time, soon summer is ending. And already over the past week, I have sensed a familiar silence settling over my mind. It is the same silence that visits me every time around this year.
There was a time when it unsettled me. While it often brought forth great creativity and literary production, I also feared its pull away from the world.
Nowadays, and particularly after this year, I see this pull as the only direction to follow. If the owl of Minerva only takes flight at dusk, then there is no way around the night that precedes it.
Physically, I feel practically normal. I am in a good position both for this final cycle and the subsequent recovery. The rest will be what it will be.
May all of you be healthy and happy, wherever you are – and thank you all for reading this blog.
just thoughts 