Cancer patients are often framed as being in a fight with their illness – I hold a different view.
I have officially completed my final full day at the hospital. After receiving tomorrow’s treatment, I will be discharged and return home once more.
Cycle 2 has in many ways been more comfortable than Cycle 1. I have gone over most of these reasons in previous posts, so I’ll spare regular readers the repetition.
After this second stay, I am also now even more familiar with the staff. As I’ve said before, they are all very kind people and I greatly enjoy talking to them.
I also received another surprise visit by my oncologist this morning – surprise because yesterday he told me I would only see him again during my next outpatient appointment next week. The first thing he said when he came in was how much joy it brought him to come see me because I am always in good spirits. Part of me likes to think he didn’t need to come see me at all today – he just felt like it.
This brings me to the main point I want to address today. When it comes to cancer, we often use quite adverserial language to describe the experience patients are going through: “fighting cancer,” “battling cancer,” etc. When someone is cured, they are frequently referred to as a “cancer survivor.”
Before I go on, I want to make it very clear that I am not taking that language away from cancer patients who feel that it describes their situation accurately. I believe that everyone gets to approach an experience like this in the way that seems most suitable to them. However, this also means that I get to decide on my own framing.
I don’t see myself fighting or battling anything. If you give me a gun, chances are I’ll blast my remaining healthy testicle clean off before I hit any “enemies”, whoever that may be.
I see this current illness of mine as a great opportunity for reflection and practice. It is a reminder of the inherent imperfection of the human condition, as well as the impermanence of life. Today you may be healthy, tomorrow you may not be. All of us, with no exceptions, are born, grow old, get ill, and die. No matter what we do in the unknown timeframe each of us is given, we cannot escape that simple reality.
In this hospital alone, there are many patients. Many undergoing greater suffering than I am right now. There are also many staff members who work very hard to help us get better. The illness of the patients, the stress of the staff – these are not separate from my reality. On the contrary, they are what unites us in our shared experience of life.
We have been damaged to a great extent by the belief that we are isolated entities called “individuals”. We are not. In reality, we are ecologies. Clumps. Or, one my favourite Tibetan words, “bilbla” – which sort of translates to “entanglement” but is best pictured by imagining a bunch of kittens playing around with some wool until it becomes a huge messy ball that seems doomed to never come apart again.
We rub off on each other all the time. Who am I if not everyone I’ve ever interacted with? We are not separate, not in the slightest. We are all in this together.
I don’t know yet whether there will be a post tomorrow – I might lose myself in some take-away food again. In any case, dear everyone, I wish you all to be happy and healthy. Be well, and catch you soon!
just thoughts 